As third year comes to a close, I have managed to only get honors in two rotations (OB and Neuro), while getting HP in the rest (including general surgery). I scored a >270 on USMLE step 1 and am Jr. AOA, but can't seem to get over the fact that I have worked my butt off, and have only managed to cop honors in two rotations.
I know the subjectivity of 3rd year is a perpetual issue, but it is rather demoralizing to work so hard and feel accomplished after each rotation (setting highs on NBMEs, building great rapport, getting good real time feedback, etc.) only to be caught off guard when grades are released seeing that your peers evaluated you as sub-stellar, despite their real time feedback.
The purpose of this post is two folds. First, how much does a 3rd year performance impact my scenario going forward when I apply to orthopedic surgery residencies (I have appropriate research)? Previously, I had my eyes on matching to a top 40 program, but as I progressed through third year and received blow after blow, I feel like this potential has been slipping, if not already slipped, through my fingertips. The competitiveness is surreal in this specialty.
Second, after reflecting on this issue I arrived at two conclusions. Inevitably, third year is extremely subjective, and especially at larger schools there is substantial variation in the grades given based on what preceptor a student has. It is really easy to get bummed out and feel like a failure when you work so hard for something (especially over and over) and fall short of your expectations. Going through this created a sense of fluctuating and waning self-doubt and questioning. Repeatedly I sought feedback to find out how I could improve, receiving answers like, "nothing, you did great", or "high pass is excellent, you should be happy with that grade". This stimulated me to evaluate my self as a person, questioning whether I was giving off a weird vibe, or just in general not a very likable person. Unfortunately introspection and self reflection can't derive answers from these questions, but thinking back about the relationships I developed with the residents and staff, I am hard pressed to think that this has been the issue. There were times I thought about giving up and just "settling" as I went forward. This wasn't me and never has been. Never once in my life did I "settle". In some respect, 3rd year has been a test. Could I handle being torn down over and over, feeling like a failure periodically over the last 12 months? I guess so, here I am. Ready to go forth and continue to give my best. Nothing I can do right now can go back and change those grades. No collection of thoughts can rectify the reasoning behind the letters that are on my transcript.. The only thing that I can at least in part attempt to control is the future. I will always remember this after this year. No matter how down or depressed an event makes you, you define yourself moving forward. It sometimes feels all too easy to give in and blame an event for your current state of affairs or behaviors. In a situation like this, acknowledge what happened and move forward. This applies to medicine beyond 3rd year. There will be times as a physician where a patient dies or something terrible happens and you have a crossroads to face, do you crumble or stay strong? How do you address the situation? How you progress through these situations when you feel weak and vulnerable defines the true quality of your character.
This is just my two cents. I hope that my reflection provides some utility to some of you out there, whether you struggle is with grades or any other obstacle that has you feeling beaten down and tattered.
